In one year I have transformed from someone who killed anything I touched into a novice gardener. So much so, that it's getting out of control. The first thing I do when I wake up is peer over the balcony to check the levels of molestation my pea plants might have endured the night before. I have to force myself to go to bellydancing class because all I really want to do these days with my evening is pour a glass of ice cold water and poke around amongst my plants, repotting this and weeding that, checking on my sickly lemongrass seedlings and inspecting the growth of my plumeria. I nearly fainted with joy at discovering my first tiny pea pod yesterday. This is the rock and roll life I lead.
So where do the free porno CDs come in? Well, it wasn't some cheap ploy to get people on Google searches redirected to my blog, though God knows plenty of them end up here looking for Big Fat Hairy Naked Greeks.
My pea plants, my babies, have endured a double assault since their first days. Not only are they being attacked by whiteflies, but pigeons regularly enjoy feasting on their tender leaves to the point where half my pea plants are actually no more than little stubby stalks poking out of the ground, and still I water them faithfully hoping for regeneration.
This morning when I did my inspection and found that the pea flower one of my more sickly pea plants had managed to put out in the last few days had served as some hoodlum pigeon's breakfast, it was the last straw.
Since the peas are from organic seeds and have been so far grown in an organic way, I didn't want to use anything chemical. I had read that stringing up CDs and dangling them amongst your plants deters birds because they get freaked out by the light reflection. I raided the DVD cupboard and found some freebie porn CDs which I had kept for Just in Case. Some of the tackier newspaper in Greece give away free soft porn CDs. I don't know why I held on to these, maybe I was planning on making some very sexy coasters. Anyway they were there and would finally be put to good use.
I decided to go one up on just dangling the CDs as they were, and also Mr Zeus grandma uses the garden too and I don't think she's be too impressed with a slow, rotating peep show. I had heard in the past that birds also don't like bullseyes so I printed off some bullseye icons and taped them to the CDs. They are now strung up and I'll let you know if I have any success with the method.
As for the whiteflies, these little guys look so innocent but between them and the pigeons, they are totally wiping out my plants. I read on You Grow Girl that you can either buy yellow fly paper or make your own by coating a piece of yellow plastic with oil. Whiteflies like yellow and will get stuck to the oil.
I cut up a yellow plastic bag yesterday and covered a square with oil. And do you know what? It actually works! This morning there are lots of whiteflies trapped in the oil.
To those of you not the least bit interested in gardens, I apologise. It's just that I love my plants so very much! They are the perfect outlet for my mothering instincts.
UPDATE: The porno CDs didn't work at all, which just goes to show that no good can come of free soft porn. Instead my peas look ready to get married as I've drapped them all in white net. Seems to work.
Image: Bollybutton's skillful photoshopping from:http://identify.whatbird.com/img/4/539/image.aspx, http://images.jupiterimages.com/common/detail/54/66/23236654.jpg and http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/153/930~Jenna-Jameson-Posters.jpg
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