Thursday, April 09, 2009

When Models Eat

It amused me no end to hear a rumour that Kate Moss is going to write a Kosher cookbook. Kate Moss, as in supermodel Kate Moss, as in that's-not-icing-sugar-on-her-donut Kate Moss? Bahahahaha!!! A supermodel.... that ... eats food .... ha ha ha... please I can't laugh any more, my face hurts.

So what exactly might Kate's book read like, I tried to imagine?

Coking Cooking with Kate: A Culinary Journey

Hi! I'm Kate Moss. You're probably thinking "Do models even eat?" but rest assured, within the folds of this book lie threes of delicious recipes from over the years. Some conjure up warm childhood memories, while others were gathered through my extensive travelling as a model. Though it may surprise you, I adore food. I believe in simple food that excites your drugged out brain and leaves you wanting more.

Boiled Pea
Difficulty Level: Easy
Preparation time: 15 minutes
A filling meal and cheap too in these credit crunch times.

One organic Pea

Solid Gold Saucepan
Evian Water

Take organic pea and gently rinse with Evian water. I believe in organic farming, but who am I to preach! Place golden saucepan on the hob and fill with Evian water. Bring to a boil. Add pea. Salt if it's really necessary, but don't forget that that's extra calories. Boil for 5 minutes, drain and serve on diamond studded dinner plates. Your delicious plate of pea is ready for you to tuck in to.

Difficulty Level: Intermediate
Preparation time: 10 minutes

Ah spaghetti! My childhood favourite and still that humble staple that I tuck into with gusto when I feel particularly piggy.

Three strands of organic spaghetti
One organic cherry tomato (naughty!)
One basil leaf

Solid Gold Saucepan
Evian Water

Bring your golden saucepan of Evian water to the boil and add three strands of spaghetti. Boil until ready. I like mine el dente, because the extra chewiness means I probably burn a few more calories here and there. Drain and pile onto a large platinum plate. Slice tomato and basil leaf and garnish spaghetti strands. Phew, all that lifting pans and chopping tomatoes is exhausting when you're always on the brink of starvation. Enjoy the delicious rewards of your hard work to their fullest! Mmmmm.

Difficulty Level: Difficult

Now I know what you're thinking - models and icecream?! Yes, it is true that models are forbidden by law to consume icecream, but that's why I invented this delicious alternative.

500 gms of cocaine
Evian water
Sweet thoughts

Place cocaine into a bowl, preferably the hollowed out skull of a rival model. Add enough Evian to make a creamy paste. Stand over bowl thinking the sweetest thoughts you can, like that time you told the behind the scenes fashion show girl that she was an ugly freak but not a hideously ugly freak, though she was. Anyone other than models are a less human race, which is another sweet thought.

Freeze. Stir now and again to break up the ice crystals, but take care that your twig-like arms don't snap off in the process. Serve up a big bowl and consume while taking a champagne bath.

Author's note: This book may seem a bit thin content wise, but it can be put to further good use if you don't have the time or the inclination to eat. Or if you are a model in which case you just don't eat at all. In a pinch, sprinkle the pages of this book liberally with cocaine or any other Class A drugs you have lying around and consume. A great way to beat those hunger pangs before a fashion show!*

*Not even joking here. A friend of yours truly has observed models behind the scenes at fashion shows eating tissue paper to keep away hunger pangs. Ever heard of cucumbers or celery, ladies?

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